night weaning: giving up

#1) a failed night weaning experiement: the person who i first heard the term night weaning from confessed to me that she had given up on it and that it was unsuccessful.

#2) more drama: the manny again said "i'll take care of him" last night only ot wake him up and make him highly agitated until i put him down by the breast. i was heartbroken. he had just gotten back from three peaceful days away from home and i thought he would be committed for once.

#3) an outsider's perspecive: my friend jana said she had never seen the boy so clingy and upset during the day or night and that something was really the matter with him because he was acting frightened and troubled.

#4) facing up: i am having to face up to the reality that i am on my own in helping the boy to be settled and calm and off the boob at night. i am coming to understand that "i've got it" when spoken in the middle of the night is a bold-faced lie. i don't want that to be the case. i don't want to keep doing something that doesn't work. i have to help my son.

#5) making changes: all of royce's stuff is in the guest room as of this morning. i (not my husband) will be transitioning him into his own room for the sake of his and my survival. nights are going to be hard around here, but easier than our mangled attempt at night weaning.

ruining the moment (if ever there was one)

what words offer a verbal cold shower in the heat of the moment between two parents, mr nice guy asks?

some of the best answers are in the comments:
-episiotomy tear
-cheney colonoscopy
-baby's awake
-is it in?

night weaning: whats really going on

i am having a lot of trouble:

the manny is sabotaging my night weaning efforts. he offers to put the B down only to get impatient, try to "force" him to sleep before he is ready, gets him all upset, starts fights with me over an upset baby and leaves me to deal with the mess i am talking about this happening four times in the last two weeks and it is very upsetting.

very upsetting indeed. the kind of upsetting that left me bawling on my neighbors doorstep this morning, confused with destructive and depressive thoughts. basically torn apart with dissappointment, contempt, and a feeling of being trapped.

we have been in counseling the last two weeks to get some new tools to deal with the problems we are having, and have not gotten any help there.

yesterday we finally decided that despite the manny's interest in being an "involved dad", it was in everyone's best interests if he stops putting the boy down. it was actually a relief to know that tonight would be different than the last two weeks b/c the manny couldn't fuck it up again. even worse, he couldn't use our innocent baby as a tool to mess with me anymore.

wha'd he do? intentionally wake me and the boy up as he went to bed, the fucker.

long time gone...

aDSC_0019.jpg
Originally uploaded by lokepuf.

i've been super busy!

i got a parttime job and have been shooting like crazy each weekend. i am the new photographer and public relations rep for new directions for women, a drug and alcohol treatment center for women, pregnant women, and women with kids. how perfect, right?

we have gone back to nightweaning the boy who has been trying to suckle for 12 hours straight at night.

but i did manage to do this shoot of the two of us, and this photo i love the most of any of us.